Bodoh kan? Bila semua dah ada, nak rasa balik masa tak ada semua. Masa semua bersusah-payah, masa air mata satu baldi pun tumpah lagi, bila tiap-tiap hari doa, sembahyang hajat semua supaya semua okay.

Tapi sekarang? Bukan tak nak bersyukur, tapi rasa macam bila susah hati lagi senang nak kejar sesuatu, sebab bila dah ada semua, tak ada apa-apa lagi yang nak dikejar.

Bosan mungkin. Rasa kosong. Rasa tak tau nak cerita apa kat orang, rasa macam hilang diri sendiri, rasa macam dah taktau siapa diri sendiri, rasa macam semua salah. Rasa macam mati.

"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace." - Chuck Palahniuk

Sepatutnya rasa lagi hidup, kan? Tapi rasa macam denyutan nadi dah semakin perlahan... macam terperangkap, rasa macam dalam tempoh yang sekejap je rasa akan boleh meletup.

Kejam. Memang kejam, tapi kalau makin lama simpan, makin lama nak menipu diri sendiri, habis tu macam mana? Bila dah lama-lama nanti, mungkin akan hilang terus.

Jangan nilai orang berdasarkan apa yang dia buat. Kau, kau dan kau tak tahu betapa perasaan sekarang ni tak boleh nak dikawal.

Memang tak rasional. Tapi manusiakah kalau hidup asyik sentiasa memikirkan orang lain tanpa fikir diri sendiri? Kan dah cakap tadi, jangan nilai orang. Korang tak tahu apa yang orang lain rasa.

"'Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.'" - A.A. Milne

Mimpi malam tadi sekali lagi menyerabutkan.

Today is the 3rd of December, a date I found quite significant in highlighting my stupidity, a date I don't even want to remember the significance and today the moon was bright, realised that fascination is what makes a person attractive, sang A Whole New World with the boys and the sister in the car, grandma's here, tomorrow's a Friday, no, tomorrow's already Friday, like, can I scream already?

and I'm so tiredddddddddddddddddddd.

Do you know why I love mornings? Because mornings give me a definite clarity, like, the things I had said last night was totally mashed, like they aren't supposed to be spoken.

I know I haven't been "myself" lately, and only my thoughts in the morning can assure me that. I think I have been living in constant denial, but maybe perhaps because I've felt like it isn't so bad, so I thought, hey, whatever.

But then again, hey, yeah.. whatevs.

Oh. We saw a car with the plate number of WTF yesterday. Awesome. Nina has been waiting for it, and it's already here. Naaaa, go get a car! MAE can be friends with your WTF.

Yesterday was fun, to say the least. Being cooped up in an office wasn't so bad, especially when it's equipped with wii games, karaoke, carom board and chess set. One of us had supplies of movies in his external hard disk, and to tell you the truth, it didn't feel like working.

And the rooftop; twas nice.

Am gonna ramble now. Let me ramble endlessly because I deserve to.

I spent a whole three hours reading a book called "Fitrah Kimiawi" by Rahmat Haroun Hashim, published by DBP. At first it was just out of curiousity because I was told that my father's name was mentioned in the book as the physicist who is also a poet. It was interesting, really, the book, and it's not the same as most of the books you can find at the bookstores. It rambles alot on Chemistry (the title already has suggested it) and can get a bit draggy at some pages for non-scientifically-inclined mind like mine, but the genre is refreshing. How many times can you find an alternative for your Chemistry text book that is more interesting, which can appeal to students as it has love stories (uhhhuh) and mysteries as well? I think people who are tired of the same typical Malay stories can opt for this book, because besides the fact that it's relatable, I think it's really good.

Speaking of poetry, there's a group that was started by Moon on facebook called kata.mata. I think the group has evolved into a really strong group. I haven't been active in that group since my submission eons ago, but when I visited the group, man, they're awesome. Needs to brush up on my writing. I need to write, write, write. I feel like I've been having a spirit-lift. After being numbed out of writing for a few months, I feel eager to do....stuff. I don't know? Poetry? Crafts? Photo-capturing (because I don't deserve to be called a photographer)?

Maybe it's the holiday bug. It's like my mind has been going, "What to do? What to do? What to do?" The meeting for the advertisement will be on Monday, so in the mean time I don't have anything much to do.

Oh, and Za's been starting this RM50PhotographerProject. I think it's super-awesome. She said that she doesn't know how long it will last but, hey, it's a good effort. I hate over-expensive photographers who take photos that even my little sister knows how to. Gahh. I can even say that I'm proud of her!

See, I told you I'll ramble endlessly?

It's so early in the morning, I think most of my friends are still too dead to be awake now. Cheers.

I became more upset when I received the e-mail from the people who are supposed to be sending me. "Please tell them that two other participants will replace you. I'm sure we can accommodate you in our other programmes".

I am actually proud of myself for being able to corner this person into telling me that it's true, it's never about financial constraints.

But anyways, I'm trying to be optimistic about this whole issue. When things like these happen, I will always tell myself that they'll regret it. The time will come when they realise that they shouldve had picked me instead of somebody else, *evil laugh*.

I thought what's gonna happen in the next two days will be the biggest thing that would ever happen to me, but no. Since they canceled it, now I am preparing for the next big thing: I'm gonna get myself involved in a production of an advertisement! This is quite a big deal, because it's a big company and knowing the trust they put on me , but I think it's gonna be utterly awesome to be working with my friends and their awesome friends. White Shoes Production will be awesome!

By the way, I'm gonna be a complete pile of mush today, so do navigate yourselves away from this page to avoid yourselves from having a vomit fiesta.

To you, I think I'm feeling extra in-love with you today. Thank you for being patient when I throw tantrums here and there, thank you for being the listener and the pillar of support whenever I feel like trembling down. Thank you for telling me what to do when I'm being irrational about things. Thank you for being so good at taking care of me. When I count my blessings, I count you twice. :)

I'm having a mild migraine now, but nothing beats the thought of me, actually, holding a pen, to write in a book. Don't get me started on exams, writing in exams and writing in a book are two completely different things.

So there I was, waiting at the train station for my train to come, and my hand started to feel itchy. I took out the book and pen that I had received from a talk earlier, and started jotting things incessantly, enough to fill up 2 pages in the span of 10 minutes. I couldn't help but think that Shah Alam's commuter station was beautiful at that time, and I always tend to not have a camera, or have my phone dead whenever I feel the need to snap some scenes. So I had written down the details and the descriptions of what I saw. It became instant euphoria.

As I took a seat in the train, I couldn't help but notice that my coach was filled with Japanese. I think the majority of the occupants were Japanese. I was thinking that why the jeez that my life has been associated with all things Japanese lately*, and I smiled at the thought. I think my smile caught the attention of an old Japanese man (he must've thought I was smiling at him, haha) and he smiled back.

And there I was, with the notebook and pen again, felt almost as excited as telling a bestfriend about a scandalous story, and wrote down some short phrases in my book, enough for me to pick up and understand the feelings when I re-read my thoughts later.

I think I haven't had my time alone for some time. It was nice. Sometime ago, someone who claimed to know how to read people's personality through handwritings *ehem* mentioned that through my handwriting, he figured out that I am the kind of person who loves to be alone and its true. I do. I love the company of my friends, and 'him', but it's nice to take a break for awhile, to spend some time doing other things.

I am not much of a random person, to tell you the truth, I just love to break the routine every once in awhile. (Maybe that's why people think I am random, haha)

*Family stayed in Japan for 5 months from October 2008-March 2009, Kakak (the cousin who's also my big sister) flew to Japan a month plus ago to further her studies, and there was a Japanese student who visited our university, and we brought her around KL :)

"As the complexity of a system increases, our ability to make precise yet significant statements about its behaviour diminishes until a threshold is reached beyond which precision and significance can no longer coexist" - Zadeh, 1973.

My life is a system, so go figure.

So don't blame me if you're no longer precise nor significant to me, or when I am no longer precise nor significant to you.